The Toyhammer 40K Caretaker
by The Emperors Scribe 25
Summary: Erick was bored to death. then he found that plastic miniatures coming to life could make life very interesting indeed...
1. Chapter 1

The Toyhammer 40,000 Caretaker

_Chapter 1_

_I have a Golf Club. Your argument is invalid. _

**Hey there guys, The Emperors Scribe 25 here. This is my first fic, so please go easy on the reviews. Also, where I'm from, (Canada, if anyone cares), being a dork on the internet is kinda looked down upon. So if you disagree with anything I say, please put it in a "Oh, BTW, you said this was this. It's actually this" format, instead of an 'Ermagerd you messed up on the lore! You suck! I hate you! Go die!" If you acknowledged this, I am far more likely to take your comment as a serious review, not an excuse to hate.**

**Anyway, without further ado, let us begin our first chapter!**

**xxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx**

_It is the 41__st__ Millennium. And there is only war. _

_The God-Emperor lay writhing upon his Golden Throne, writhing with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is fed with the souls of a thousand every day, they die so he may live. A beacon of his glory, a guiding light, named the astronamicon, guides ships through the Warp, a realm of twisting emotions, feelings and desires._

_Beyond the light of the Holy Astronamicon, alien races lurk and plot the downfall of humanity. They're twisted minds dictate that humanity is unworthy of its success. _

_Also battling them are the deities of Chaos. The four great lords of emotion. Khorne, god of blood, battle and rage-quiting. Nurgle, god of pestilence, rot and acne. Tzeentch, god of change, sorcery and nerd rage. (Why does Fateweaver increase his invuln. Save! GRAAAAHHHH!) And Slaanesh, god of excess, lust and Hedonism. _

_This is getting tedious, so I may as well end here. _(Epic Plot Twist Music que)

xxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx

Erik made his way up the driveway to his new house, his stuff having been brought here already. He opened the door, and immediately noticed the smell of… smoke? He ran into the living room to stumble upon a warzone. Literally stumble as he nearly tripped over a Leman Russ Battle Tank. Hundreds of little aliens, humans and tanks battled it out. They were his Warhammer 40,000 collection.

Tau were using his bookshelf as a rally point, utilizing the higher shelves to support their ranged style of warfare. Orks ran around everywhere, while Imperial Guard were organizing several firing lines to hold back the unkillable Necrons. Meanwhile, the Eldar forces were taking pot-shots at Space Marines, who were doing a fine job of ignoring the shuriken projectiles altogether.

He looked over and noticed his porch was infested with Chaos of the Thousand Sons, World Eaters, Death Guard and Emperors Children. The different groups were trying to turn the each-other into so much ground beef. He looked down at the massive spectacle that made D-Day look like a water balloon fight, and yelled at everyone.

"**WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE!**"

The different forces looked up at him and one of the guardsmen with an RPG shot at his leg. It sailed past me, and hit an ork, who sailed away screaming "I's can see ma 'ouse from 'ere!"

I watched as the Orks ran towards me and grabbed a golf club from the small stand, and wacked a tank with it, causing it to sail into the Warboss, who was crushed to a bloody smear. The rest of the Orks looked up at me in awe, and one shouted "Dat guy just killed da boss! E's da new boss!"

"Alright, I want all leaders of the forces to meet me at the dinner table NOW!" he yelled at the forces, then made his way over to the table, dodging a small walker that had trundled into his leg.

10 minutes and several golf club induced injuries later:

Eric looked at the freak show that was the army leaders. There was a pretty-boy looking space marine commander who looked as though he was going to kill everything else at the table.

The Imperial guard commander looked like an utter badass with an Ork Power-Klaw as an arm, while his retinue, consisting of several grunts who were probably there as meat-shields, a man in a trenchcoat who fit the WWII Soviet Commander look perfectly, a bald, priestly looking guy with a big-ass chainsaw sword that could have cut a Jeep in half, and a creepy girl in a white robe, stood there sizing up the competition.

The space marine spoke up. "I am 2nd Captain Cato Sicarius of the Ultramarines. My superiors, 1st captain Dornath Lysander of the Imperial Fists, and Grand Master Belial of the Dark Angels Deathwing company, sent me here as the envoy."

The General was next: "I am Commissar Yarrick of Armageddon. My allies, Knight Commander Pask of Cadia and Colonel Straken of Catachan, chose me to speak in favor of Army-Group 5116."

The Tau spoke:

"I am Shas' El Ario'Vanatasor' Buelos… I belive my name means "Flamesword' in your language. This is Ethereal Guer' Talos, Kroot Shaper Ungerok and Vespid Wing-Master Dielion."

The Orks:

"I's Warlord Krusha da Stompa, an dis is Mekboy Rustmonga and Warp 'ead Zappz."

The Necrons:

"I am Phaeron Vai'Kitrovi. This is Vargard Talmast and Overlords Vanis' Yoronis and Beris' Toloron."

The Eldar:

"I am Farseer Varasi of the Craftworld Biel-Tan, Mon-Keigh."

"Please refrain from calling me that. I have the ability to crush even your precious Wraithknight."

She looked at me incredulously. "How do you know…"

"I… I just know, ok!"

Chaos looked up at me

I looked at the map of the house. "Okay, the Eldar get the downstairs bathroom, the Imperial Guard get the living room, the Tau get the kitchen, The Necrons get the… ummmm… ventilation ducts? Uurrrm, the Space marines get the left over bedroom and the Orks get the basement. If you have any objections, speak up now please…" I turn around to see the IG already building a small set of barracks while tanks started to tow the damaged vehicles toward the mechanicus tents made from what appeared to be printer paper and popsicle sticks.

I watched as dozens of transports blasted away at full speed, when suddenly an Imperial guard tank blasted an Eldar Wave Serpent with its turret mounted Heavy Bolter.

"**OH YOU'VE GOT TO BE F***ING KIDDING ME!"**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

_Dammit Ahriman!_

**Stop, its update time! I have plans for a couple of story arcs, maybe an appearance by the 'Nids, perhaps? Please review, and thanks to AlwaysBetOnVoid for the review, as short as it was. This chapter will be a bit longer and hopefully a little funnier. Also, this chapter is written in first person as I felt 3****rd**** person writing didn't really suit this kind of story.**

**Chaos finds a home**

**xxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx**

**It is the 41st Millennium. And there is only war. **

**The God-Emperor lay writhing upon his Golden Throne, writhing with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is fed with the souls of a thousand every day, they die so he may live. A beacon of his glory, a guiding light, named the astronamicon, guides ships through the Warp, a realm of twisting emotions, feelings and desires.**

**Beyond the light of the Holy Astronamicon, alien races lurk and plot the downfall of humanity. They're twisted minds dictate that humanity is unworthy of its success. **

**Also battling them are the deities of Chaos. The four great lords of emotion. Khorne, god of blood, battle and rage-quiting. Nurgle, god of pestilence, rot and acne. Tzeentch, god of change, sorcery and nerd rage. (Why does Fateweaver increase his invuln. Save! GRAAAAHHHH!) And Slaanesh, god of excess, lust and Hedonism. **

**This is getting tedious, so I may as well end here. (Epic Plot Twist Music que)**

**xxXXXXXXXXxx**

I looked over at the leaders of the Chaos Space Marines. I had played Chaos for a while and recognized Ahriman the sorcerer and Typhus the… something. I had always been a Tzeentch kind of guy. I gazed at the freak show before me, and immediately realized the place they belonged.

_5 minutes later:_

"AND STAY OUT!" I yelled before I slammed the door. I had no second thoughts about what I did to them, as I realized that they were probably the biggest threat to my well-being and belongings.

The Eldar Farseer, Varasi or something, smirked at me as I walked away. "A good choice, Eric." She said in a haughty tone.

"Shut up." I said back, then whacked her with the golf club, sending her flying towards the wall. She poofed into smoke, then reappeared on my shoulder, grinning. "A pitiful display of power." She said.

Suddenly, I heard a crack as the Necron Phaeron appeared on my other shoulder.

"What do you want?" I groaned in a weary tone.

"I believed you would wish to be informed, the Orks are attacking out of the basement."

"Well, S***."

_Around 30 seconds later:_

I heard yells from the Imperial Guard as they fired into the midst of the Orks, who were charging up the stairs in a giant green wave, with several of their "Deffkoptas" flying above them. I watched as one unleashed some kind of bomb into the ranks of the IG, and gazed in horror as around eight or so bodies went screaming through the air.

"Stop it!" I yelled at the forces. Hundreds of pairs of eyes looked up at me.

"You!" I yelled at the Orks. "Stop fighting! You can fight each other for all I care!"

"Dat wouldn't be Orky 'nuff though!" An especially large Ork who looked incredibly similar to the original Warboss yelled.

"Yeah!" yelled several more Orks, than more, and it expanded through, the horde, until every Ork in the horde was yelling.

"_wait, I thought I killed that Ork? Hold on a second…" _I stopped and looked again. Sure enough, the Ork seemed to have slight delay in its movements. Almost appearing like it was slightly blurry around the edges.

"Varasi, whats up with that Ork?" I asked the Farseer.

"It appears as though that is actually a psyker in disguise. They appear to be using a sort of holographic style suit to hide their true appearance… give me a second… there!"

Sure enough, the Ork disguise faded away and was replaced by a Chaos Space Marine wearing blue armour and carrying a gold staff. I recognized him from the Chaos Space Marine codex perfectly, right down to the weird horns on his head.

"Ahriman!" I yelled.

"Dammit, foiled by the Eldar again!" he yelled.

"Wait, dat's not da boss!" an Ork yelled, followed by several yells of "Get 'im!"

Ahriman found himself being swarmed by the hordes of Orks, muttered "Damn.", then disappeared in a blast of light that blinded seemingly everyone in the room. "Ma' eyes!" one Ork yelled.

After recovering from the shock of their boss being revealed as a sorcerer of Tzeentch, they began yelling and charging at the forces. By now, the Tau had come over from the kitchen, and when they saw the battle that was raging on the stairs, they ran towards the battle lines.

The IG commanders reacted with the commanders panicking. First the Orks from the stairs, then the Tau from the flank! No way could they stop both armies! Then the tau lined up beside the Guardsmen, and began firing on the Orks, while the Crisis Battle Suits attacked the Deffkoptas. , gunning them down with ease.

Shas' El Ario'Vanatasor' Buelos flew onto my shoulder and began to speak, using a loudhailer built into his armor.

"Attention all Imperial forces. If you could refrain from firing on my men, I would immensely appreciated. Also, if your tanks could please move to make space for our own armoured forces, we could add our firepower to yours."

I couldn't believe my eyes. Imperials and Xenos were fighting alongside each other!

I watched as A Tau Hammerhead tank and a Leman Russ Battle Tank fired at **the same target, not each other**. _"Maybe miracles can happen." _I thought to myself, then resigned it to wishful thinking as I watched a Tau fire warrior start fist-fighting with a guardsman.

**xxxXXXXXXXXXxxx**

**Okay, so maybe the chapter wasn't that big. I've been busy with (insert lame excuse here). Although football is just starting up, and it's been tiring so far. There's my legitimate excuse, so HA! I can't believe I wrote a chapter in only a few day's though. Oddly, that scares me more than short chapters… anyways, please review, follow, favourite, that sort of thing. I'm just a humble teenager trying to bring back an almost dead style of fanfic. See ya!**


	3. Chapter 3

The Toyhammer 40000 Caretaker

_Why did it have to be ants?!_

_xxxXXXXXXXXxx_

_Hey there again guys! Before we start another chapter of sheer craziness in the form of inch-tall life forms with guns (and tanks, never forget the tanks), I would just like to thank all of you awesome people who support me. It means a lot to know that there are people who pay attention to my work. Especially BeautysHarlequin, who has given me the first full review of this fanfic. Anyway, I need to stop rambling and start weaving the tale of insanity that is chapter 3 of… The Toyhammer 40000 Caretaker!_

_Never surrender, Never retreat, unless you want to decorate the nearby walls!- Commissar Ivanhoff, 3__rd__ Catachan "Croc Boys"_

_**xxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx**_

_**It is the 41st Millennium. And there is only war.**_

_**The God-Emperor lay writhing upon his Golden Throne, writhing with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is fed with the souls of a thousand every day, they die so he may live. A beacon of his glory, a guiding light, named the astronamicon, guides ships through the Warp, a realm of twisting emotions, feelings and desires.**_

_**Beyond the light of the Holy Astronamicon, alien races lurk and plot the downfall of humanity. They're twisted minds dictate that humanity is unworthy of its success.**_

_**Also battling them are the deities of Chaos. The four great lords of emotion. Khorne, god of blood, battle and rage-quiting. Nurgle, god of pestilence, rot and acne. Tzeentch, god of change, sorcery and nerd rage. (Why does Fateweaver increase his invuln. Save! GRAAAAHHHH!) And Slaanesh, god of excess, lust and Hedonism.**_

_**Wait, haven't I done this before?**_

_**xxXXXXXXXXxx**_

The next morning, I was treated to the most splendid of wake-up calls: Gunfire and yells. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, threw on a shirt and sprinted out into the porch, to see the Chaos attempting to enter the house via the stairs, only to be halted by an Imperial firing line with Necrons appearing at various intervals while the Eldar looking on in astonishment at the Necron Phaeron and Captain Lysander talking while looking at a 3-D holographic image, no doubt discussing the best way to push back the Chaos forces.

I walked over to the table they were using as an HQ, as a Doomsday Cannon shot sailed past my knee and vaporised a Chaos land raider that was spitting fire into the alliance lines. The Terminators inside pulled themselves out of the wreck, only to be torn apart by the sudden blast of anti-infantry fire.

I stood next to the table and looked at the two commanders and noticed that Knight Commander, Pask, was also there, standing next to a Leman Russ, discussing with 1st Captain Lysander about tactics.

"If you would let me deploy my armored forces, we could be finished here!" Pask said in an angry tone.

"If you join the line now, we would have to shift our lines, meaning that we would lose valuable firepower as we allowed your tanks in. There will be a lull soon, then you can deploy your tanks." Lysander replied calmly.

"Fine." Pask huffed. I was fairly surprised at hearing a famous Imperial Hero sound like a spoiled little kid.

Lysander looked up and noticed me looking at them.

"Aaaah, Brother Erak. If you would be so kind as to release _The Driver_ upon these foolish heretics, it would be greatly appreciated." He stated, as though it was the most normal thing in the world to speak to someone who was around 1000x as big as you and used a golf club to smite his foes.

"Actually, there is an alternative plan that would lessen the chances of Erak suffering bodily harm." The Phaeron said in a monotone voice.

"Thank you…" I muttered under my breath.

"I have detected a pipe leading from the basement to the enemies flank. If we could perhaps send in a team of demolitionists, we could open it up and allow the Orks to attack the Chaos flank."

Lysander looked up.

"I like that idea."

Pask spoke up.

"I could use my artillery guns to blast that tunnel open, if it would help."

"That would be welcome." The Phaeron replied.

_5 minutes of loud artillery fire and aggravated swearing later:_

The Orks arrived right on schedule, hitting the Chaos rearguard like a freight train. The subsequent bloodbath still gives me shivers, especially the death of one cultist. I didn't know a person could be cut into that many small pieces...

The Chaos space marines reacted with a sudden Charge towards our lines, which came so suddenly half the frontline forces almost retreated from the battlefield. However, several shouts of "Hold your ground!" and "Stand and fight!" caused the skittish forces reform their lines.

"Fire all frontal weapons! I want that Chaos line destroyed now!" Bellowed Lysander at the forces. The vox operator didn't need even need to relay the order, as the shout travelled to even the unaugmented ears of the guardsmen.

As the combined firepower of the allied forces obliterated their frontal forces and the Ork assault crushed their rearguard, the Chaos forces snapped. You could practically hear the snapping of will as the Cultist and Chaos Space Marines retreated from the frontlines and ran to their camp in the backyard.

"Alright then, now all we have to do is tidy up the Orks and seal up that tunnel again." Lysander stated excitedly, no doubt already planning to lead the strike team himself.

**XxxXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx**

**(From the perspective of Guardsman Terrence of the Cadian 42****nd**** infantry.)**

""Damn this forest is dense!" said my squadmate Ian, our flamer man.

"Bit like your skull, eh Ian!" said Kowalski, the runt of the squad.

"Shut it you two!' yelled Sgt. Carter, the squad commander, drawing his chainsword.

"Okay, yeesh." Muttered Kowalski.

The squad moved into a crater caused by a basilisk shell blast, and I slid into it, lasgun in one hand.

"What with these tunnels in here!" yelled Ian, looking into one.

"No idea man." Said Marcus, our vox operator, gazing into another.

"Seriously, no way it was shrapnel, no shrapnel's that rou… Gaaahhhhh!" He screamed as a huge set of pincers came out of the tunnel and hacked into his face.

"Contact!" Shouted Carter, firing his laspistol into a tunnel as another large black creature emerged from it.

I swung around as a chittering noise hailed the coming of another one. I loosed a fusillade of shots into it, blasting its head and thorax to nothing.

Ian was torn apart by one as Kowalski desperately tried to gun one down with lasgun, only for it to jam. He screamed as he was swarmed by several of the things.

I watched in awestruck horror as all around us, the things tore out of the ground, and skittered towards us on their six legs. I heard yells as other squads were engaged. Then a Marauder bomber had the bright idea to drop his incendiary bombs into the fray, igniting the forest and and sending a wave of heat washing over him and his squad.

As the flames rushed closer, one of the beasts leapt on top of me, seeking to eat me. I stabbed my knife into its thorax, only for it to bite deep into my shoulder. I screamed in pain as its pincers gouged away my armour and flesh.

Suddenly a hand descended out of nowhere, enclosed in a gauntlet. The gauntlet was yellow, bright, golden yellow…

**1 hour of darkness later:**

I woke up screaming, sending the nurse tending to me scurrying away. Wait, nurse?

I looked around and sighed. It was a medical facility. I saw Sergeant Carter next to me, sitting up as a tube of liquid was fed into his leg. He gave me a weak grin, then glanced behind me at someone else.

I looked and saw Marcus with a bandage over one eye. He looked at me. "Bastard thing got one of my eyes." He stated, grinning grimly.

**xxxxxxXXXXXxxxxxx**

**And now back to Erak, our protagonist:**

I ran out to the and began stomping on the ants as they emerged from the ground, as well as the flames a certain bomber had created.

"Why did it have to be ants?" I groaned to myself.

**xxxXXXxxx**

**always remember: ****Eat your veggies. ****Boy.**


End file.
